Live blogging from the 75th Annual Fictional Scientific Congress

Note: For the next five days I am at this conference, and will attempt to give you my impressions of the landmark event each day.

9 August 2013.

3:00 PM. Somewhere over the United States. At last, the journey begins! Weeks of preparing the powerpoint, days of rehearsal behind a closed office door. At this very moment I am on my way to the USA, flying away from polar bears and igloos towards buffalo and wigwams, away from snowdrifts towards the unbearable heat, bound for the 75th Annual Fictional Scientific Congress. The 20 kg weight restriction on baggage constrained my packing. Surely I will be able to purchase shaving cream, envelopes, ping pong balls and decaying vegetables from the Americans themselves. Last night, my packing focussed on the more difficult to acquire items such as whoopee cushions, joy buzzers, false nose and moustache glasses, squirting boutonnieres, and fake blood. I hope that the customs authorities do not open my suitcase; it will be big trouble. If only I could be assured of a supply of rubber spiders, I would have no worries.

7:00 PM. In the hotel room. Every time I step into a strange airport, I scan the signs held  by limousine drivers, hoping that by some miracle one of them will bear my name. This never happens, of course, because there is no guardian angel looking after my travel. So it is a shuttle bus or sometimes a taxi ride into the city, praying to be delivered to the right hotel, praying that the reservation will be intact. There are always colleagues loitering in the lobby, some desperately trying to make eye contact, others just as desperate to avoid it. This is of course why I bring the false nose and moustache glasses.